Snappy Comebacks I Never Gave (but Really, Really Wanted to)

Other people's comments are real and they are not being portrayed by actors.  Mostly for budgetary reasons.  

Scene 1: Last week, at a faculty workshop day, after having been subjected to a disturbing class about handling suspicions that your students might be abused, we get lunch.  It's not an allergy-friendly lunch.  Did I mention I also gave up soda for Lent?  I pick up a couple items that are safe and grab an open seat at a table, where my plate immediately gets a look-over.

Co-worker: Is that all you're having for lunch?

Me: That's right, Fritos and fruit.  I'm on the F-word diet.  Would you like to hear some other F-words?

Scene 2: This morning.  I am starting the day in panic mode, because I have a major event for almost two dozen students taking place next week and there's a ton of stuff to do.  On top of the book order that's still not settled, the receipts and invoices I have to submit, lessons to assemble, and forgetful sixth-graders to reschedule.  My co-librarian is just as frantic with similar items and last-minute projects' popping up with the younger grades.
A supervisor comes through--presumably to look over plans and maybe visit our restroom--and pops her head in our doorway to deliver a back-handed compliment.

Supervisor: So good to see everyone working hard today!

Me: Um, when have you stopped by and seen us not working hard?  Was it that two minutes I stopped to pour myself some coffee and actually took a sip while it was still hot?  Darn! I knew I never should've thought I was entitled to that!



ccr in MA said…
Oh, argh! Situations like that bring ulcers. In the second case, she could have made the comment better (or not as bad) by leaving off "today"--I know that when I've been told I "look really nice today" my usually unvoiced reaction is always, "Oh, as opposed to every other day?"
Anonymous said…
Laughing so hard at the F word diet! You should patent that, I'll bet it would be an overnight sensation ;) Honestly, if I just weren't a lady, the things I'd like to say to some people. Isn't it so nice to have social media as a venting platform!
Dave E. said…
I love the "Snappy comebacks I never gave" subject, because I'm an expert. I get a few good ones in once in a while, but the vast majority pop into my head long past the expiration date. Oh well. When that supervisor receives the one he or she obviously and richly deserves she'll know it.
Kate P said…
CCR--You know, lately I _have_ been wondering if I'm getting an ulcer!
ITA that sometimes people just can't stop themselves before they say something (like "today" in your example). . . My chiropractor likes to say to her husband, "You have three seconds to take that back."

Angela--My mom laughed when I told her about the F-words diet, too! Hmm, that means I can have filet mignon and fudge, too, right?
People like you who try to remember to act like a lady and like me trying really hard to keep my diplomatic filter on at all times--we're the ones who end up ticked off. Doesn't seem fair!

Dave--I think the delay on the comebacks is a kind of self-preservation mechanism, a good thing. . . of course, some days I'm just grateful I can keep my smart mouth shut in the moment.

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