Sunday Night Reflection
Today was one of those days of so many commitments, so little time. Was up late Saturday night trying to finish some really dry reading for class, so this morning was a little rough, but I had to be there to cantor the 10 a.m. Mass. It's Pentecost (a.k.a. the birthday of the Catholic Church). Stopped at my parents' to have a quick cup of coffee and a little breakfast, then ran home to check in on my group project for school before heading to my nephew's christening. Admittedly, I was dragging my feet. They didn't ask me to be godmother, for the third time in a row. (My SIL's younger sisters are godmothers to the other two, and this time they asked some married friends from college who of course live out of state and didn't show.)
The christening was already underway when I got to the church--honestly, I hadn't expected them to start before 1:00. My younger sister was standing up there as one of the proxy godparents. My mom told me they were going to ask me to be proxy but they forgot. (Not buying it.) I was simultaneously embarrassed (for being late) and annoyed (at not being asked). If they had asked me I would've been there ahead of time. Managed to see the little guy get anointed with chrism and be clothed in the symbolic white garment.
Ultimately, though, it didn't matter. Afterwards at my brother's house, I was far more useful (and appreciated). My oldest nephew showed me the video he took--so I did get to see what I'd missed--and I surprised him in turn with a calculator gadget he'd mistakenly left in one of my bags last summer. I'd discovered it while unpacking last week. I took the two toddlers outside and helped them blow bubbles and chase them as the wind carried them down the driveway. And the newly christened baby hung out in my arms for a while, alternating intense blue-eyed gazes and quiet, motionless naps.
Afterwards I went back to my parents' and gave Mom her Mother's Day present and Younger Sister her (early) birthday present. Had dinner with them and then headed home to finish up schoolwork for the week. I'm wrapping things up for the night, dreading work tomorrow and feeling the pressure of my not-yet-completed application for my fall class.
I remain, however, soothed by the lingering spicy scent of the chrism from my innocent little nephew which somehow attached itself to me during the time we spent together this afternoon. So I'd hoped to be a mother by now. Or at least a godmother. Sometimes I feel like "less" because of that. Not right now, though. The little ones who appreciated what I had to give them, saw me for who I am and not what I lack. For the moment, I feel "good enough."
The christening was already underway when I got to the church--honestly, I hadn't expected them to start before 1:00. My younger sister was standing up there as one of the proxy godparents. My mom told me they were going to ask me to be proxy but they forgot. (Not buying it.) I was simultaneously embarrassed (for being late) and annoyed (at not being asked). If they had asked me I would've been there ahead of time. Managed to see the little guy get anointed with chrism and be clothed in the symbolic white garment.
Ultimately, though, it didn't matter. Afterwards at my brother's house, I was far more useful (and appreciated). My oldest nephew showed me the video he took--so I did get to see what I'd missed--and I surprised him in turn with a calculator gadget he'd mistakenly left in one of my bags last summer. I'd discovered it while unpacking last week. I took the two toddlers outside and helped them blow bubbles and chase them as the wind carried them down the driveway. And the newly christened baby hung out in my arms for a while, alternating intense blue-eyed gazes and quiet, motionless naps.
Afterwards I went back to my parents' and gave Mom her Mother's Day present and Younger Sister her (early) birthday present. Had dinner with them and then headed home to finish up schoolwork for the week. I'm wrapping things up for the night, dreading work tomorrow and feeling the pressure of my not-yet-completed application for my fall class.
I remain, however, soothed by the lingering spicy scent of the chrism from my innocent little nephew which somehow attached itself to me during the time we spent together this afternoon. So I'd hoped to be a mother by now. Or at least a godmother. Sometimes I feel like "less" because of that. Not right now, though. The little ones who appreciated what I had to give them, saw me for who I am and not what I lack. For the moment, I feel "good enough."
Comments
You're totally making me want to call one of my aunts now--my mom is the oldest of her sibs, with the youngest being ten years younger, and Mom wasn't even the first to have kids. I think (hope) your relationship with your nieces & nephews might evolve into something cool once your baby arrives. You're giving them a new little cousin. :)